From Self-Doubt to Self-Expression

This morning, for no reason at all, I felt supremely discouraged about continuing a writing project that had really been on a roll. I'd been having the time of my life writing about creativity and overcoming the hurdles to creative expression, yet when I began to write this morning, it suddenly seemed absurd to be talking about creativity when I am an unknown nobody with no credentials in this subject area to my name. And to make matters worse I felt like a hypocrite because I had been yammering on about doing something simply because we love doing it without attachment to the outcome and my own resolve was wavering; the doubt became louder than the love. It seemed to me that I couldn’t walk my talk.

I suspect that doubt is one of those things that will never fully vanish from our psyches as long as we are in these human suits navigating the realm of human experience. I used to spend a great deal of time trying to get to a place where fear, doubt, and insecurity no longer showed up, even in the smallest traces. I believed that this was the key to personal freedom and joy. As I’ve gone through the years I’ve come to realize that this is a colossal waste of energy and that such things will likely continue to pop up in some form or other. Instead, I’ve chosen to refocus my energy on distancing myself from these boogymen when they come to the door. I don’t have to believe the stories they tell me. I don’t have to let them decide who I am. I don't have to cower in their presence. I find it’s better to look these things in the eye and ask, “Now really, is this necessary?” 

As my doubts arose this morning, instead of scrapping my project or going into some self-deprecating tailspin, I decided to take an observational approach. I allowed the doubt to be in the room with me (resistance is futile) and I decided to make it a part of my project. I decided it was not going to scare me away from writing, but rather I would write about it. I figure it’s better to just bring it into the fold, admit it’s presence, examine it’s agenda, and allow it to make it’s case while I stand firmly in my conviction to keep doing what I’m doing. To give it the upper hand is to willingly step onto that hamster wheel of pandering to an audience, trying to figure out what people will like so they will in turn like me, and completely lose myself and my vision in the process. Ugh, exhausting. Not doing it.

So I let myself sit there and feel what was arising in me. I didn't try to ignore it, push through it, or pep talk my way around it. I allowed my doubt to present itself and to feel the emotions it brought up. I realized that my doubt was actually a protective mechanism against rejection. Ah yes, good old rejection! God forbid someone not like us or our work! (I think that underneath all of our adulting most of us still feel like little kids in grown up clothes just trying not to feel stupid.)

So now I know what I am really dealing with. My mind is trying to protect me from failure and ridicule by placing doubts about my efforts in the forefront of my psyche. This is stupid.  No good. Do you really want to keep spending your time on something that's not so great? 

This is a program I didn't even realize was running in my system--an old program that says I should be worried about what people think. 

Now that I've pulled this out of the subconscious background and have it on the table I can look at it and make a clear choice. Is this something I actually care about or is this just old stuff coming up? Does it truly matter to me what people think? Do I really want to cram myself into THAT box? No, in fact, I don't. So yes, it turns out I actually do want to keep spending my time on this project because I'm really enjoying the process of writing it...whether it's "good" or not isn't the pertinent point. I refuse to let my creative fun be hijacked by external validation. 

Our minds have been conditioned to develop protective mechanisms over the years and often we don’t even question them, succumbing to the mind's naysayer advice (Quit!) and allowing our self-expression to be diminished by that long shadow of doubt. Here I remind myself that I don’t need protected. I am not that fragile. What if someone mocks my work? What if someone mocks me? So what? I mean this literally: we truly need to stop and ask ourselves all the "what if" questions that fear and doubt present. We'll likely see that when brought into the light they aren't harmful at all. I will definitely not die if I get criticized. If my feelings get hurt, I'll get over it. If I fail at something, oh well, I'm honestly not that worried about it. 

I like what Martha Beck has to say about criticism of her work: “I respectfully do not care. Trying to avoid pain creates its own kind of pain which is artistic suffocation.” Yes, Martha, yes. No matter what we put out into the world, there will be people who love it and people who hate it and, mostly, people who don't care about it at all. This is the very least of our concerns and yet many of us have some old conditioning in there that makes it the biggest concern. Life is too short for these silly hoops.  

Doubt is just fear trying to tell me that what I am doing is probably not good enough. But I don't need to create something great. I give myself full permission to create something mediocre in exchange for the extraordinary process of dancing with creativity. I write because it has been my most favorite thing to do since I was seven years old. I write because it transports me to another place where I feel connected to something sublime and divine. That is reward enough. Anything that comes after is merely incidental. Doubt doesn't get to scare me away from what I love. And when some inevitable criticism arises, so be it. I respectfully do not care.