Flow
I think we all know what it's like when we try to 'meld the energy to our liking'. That's where we get the whole swimming upstream experience. One reason we do this is because we are mostly more connected with our heads than our hearts, where that natural flow makes sense. It doesn't make sense to our heads. In order to sync with that flow we have to trust, which the brain says is LUDICROUS. Trusting is for dummies, says the brain. It is how people end up having the net pulled right out from under them. No good! Also, flow means we have no idea what's going to happen, how things will unfold, and we have no control over that. The mind is a control freak. It will absolutely FREAK OUT when it gets anywhere near this 'no control' terrain. In order to feel safe, our mind must be in control. At. All. Times. It will perhaps acknowledge the inner promptings and the signs that life shows us (there's the flow) but will immediately begin with the "what ifs?" People, I'm telling you from my own experience, the what-ifs are deadly. Be warned: if freedom is what you're after the what-ifs are a sure fire way to kill it.
But the main reason we have difficulty tapping into that flow--a perfect brilliant energy of consciousness that is guiding us to our highest good--is because it quietly exists underneath widely accepted paradigms of "should" thinking, and false beliefs about what our value and worth is attached to. We are driven by these paradigms. We all have our personal worth and value attached to something (or things) and I'm willing to bet 99% of those attachments are invalid (looks, money, job, status, how others see us, how much we contribute, etc.). In order to tap into the flow of life, we must first be willing to step outside of these paradigms and stop giving them power over how we view ourselves and consequently how we operate in our lives.
As of late, I have been trying to disentangle myself from these old school paradigms. The biggest lesson for me this year has been learning to "be" instead of "do". My worth and value has looooong been attached to doing. I didn't feel good about myself if I wasn't contributing in terms of services, volunteer hours, my time and energy helping others. My savvy guides have been working with me on this and they explained to me that the energy of our being far surpasses the acts of doing, when it comes to what we contribute to the world. They said that a person can be a do gooder all day long and rack up thousands of good deeds, but if that person isn't feeling happy and free and fulfilled in his or her own life (basically if that person is not honoring the self first, no matter what that looks like) then the whole do gooding thing is completely counterproductive. If we truly want to be the best version of ourselves (and consequently contribute the most positive energy to the whole), we have to honor the self first and foremost.
So I'm saying sayonara to the what-if syndrome and approaching life less from the head and more from the heart; more consciously connecting with that ever present flow of energy that is brilliantly guiding us on our respective paths. In order to do this, I have to ditch my shit. Identifying with the mind causes all kinds of silliness to arise (said shit). This includes: being afraid of trying or doing certain things even though I'm prompted (flow!) to try or do those things; ignoring inner promptings (flow!) and talking myself into something that "makes more sense"; thinking I need to be in control of everything in order to feel safe, be safe, and get what I want/need. Really, when we flow with life we get everything we need. Not always pleasant perhaps, but it's those unpleasant experiences that allow us to stretch a bit and gain all that yummy wisdom, right?
Like the slow learner that I am, this is all stuff I already believed but wasn't applying very well. Lucky for me life often finds fun ways to teach me about such things. I took the entire summer off with the intention of traveling aimlessly. I bought a one way ticket to Utah and made absolutely no plans beyond the first few nights of lodging. I packed my sleeping bag and tent and I went. I was going to let go of the planning, the control, and see where I felt I wanted to be each day. Less doing, more being. By not having a plan, and instead really assessing what I felt like doing each day, I was looking forward to strengthening my ability to to tune into the natural flow of life, to trust the process, and to live more fluidly.
It worked like a charm; in following the flow I had seriously fabulous experiences. However, the journey to said experiences was anything but peaceful. I was breaking out of control habits here. A good bit of ranting was involved at times. I was flowing alright, but more like a person in a canoe who has lost both oars and is screaming and flapping their arms frantically because they don't know where the current is taking them. So yeah, I was flowing, it's not like I was swimming upstream. But I was flowing like a colossal spaz. This did not mesh with the image I had of myself as the bold adventurer calmly and cooly handling everything that came her way! It made me realize how attached I have always been to having a plan and even more so to doing what I think I "should" do in order to have a good experience. Not having a plan and not "seeing all the sights" felt like a very inefficient use of my time and if there's one thing I buck against it's inefficiency. First lesson: reconciling my fantasized expectations with reality.
I decided to go check out Glacier Park. After spending days trying to snag a campsite anywhere in Wyoming and Montana and discovering this is more like a competitive sport, I finally learned the system which was to get up super early and cruise the campgrounds and basically stalk people who looked like they might be checking out and grab their spot. I thought this was pretty stupid but it's how it's done so okay I'd do the whole when in Rome thing.
The day I drove to Glacier I got up early to be at the campground by 7:00 am to stalk. Even still, everything was gone. I started driving around the park, running into mass traffic, mass road construction (so much for the peaceful park experience) and was over the whole shebang at this point. This is where I got a little ranty with my guides. ("See why it helps to have a plan?! I would not be wasting my time trying to find a damn place to sleep! Why did you insist this was a good idea???!) No cell service. WITHOUT the construction it was 2 hours just to get through the park to an area with potential lodging and I was fairly certain those places would be full. I'm in the most beautiful place ever and THIS is how I'm spending it?? Learning to flow is stupid, I'm thinking. I ate some lunch and calmed down. Food makes me happy. Then kept driving.
I stopped by a park lodge and ignored all of their "no vacancy" signs and went in anyway to plead for mercy. The woman had access to all lodging in and near the park and as she was consulting her screen she said, "Is this for real? There's actually a room left over in West Glacier." Great, give it to me. I don't care if it's a fleabag or something that will break my bank, give it to me, I'm over this flow shit. Satisfied I had a place to sleep (the back of my car reeealllly didn't look comfortable), I spent the rest of the day checking out the park. That evening I found the motel and was amazed at my good fortune. It wasn't even that nice of a place, just a dinky little motel with no AC (it was 97 degrees that day) but the location was gorgeous. Quiet, peaceful, and nature-y. I took a little walk through the woods behind the building and came to the edge of a cliff and my jaw just dropped. The view was STUNNING. What I was looking at was exactly the images I'd conjured in my mind about the Montana landscape and had so desperately wanted to see. I was having my quintessential Montana moment. I loved that little motel and of all the spectacular views I saw, this was my favorite. I sat there forever, until there was no light left. And of course it didn't dawn on me until later that this scene that I so loved was of a river--flowing. Had I tried to hijack the flow of things I wouldn't have ended up here. Even though I bitched about it, I was so happy to have stayed in the flow (instead of bagging it all and driving to the nearest Hampton Inn) and ended up in this magnificent spot.
The entire trip was full of similar experiences. The formula of this trip basically looked like this: Me having an intended plan for the day, that plan not working out, me fussing about it, and then spontaneously ending up somewhere completely mind blowing and awesome instead. Learning to trust the flow.
And then the cherry on top. I was only two weeks in, having my Jack Kerouc experience, when I felt prompted to go home. I tried to talk myself out of it--so much ground to cover! So much terrain to explore! It's only been TWO WEEKS! I felt lame going back home so soon, like I was failing on my grand adventure--something I'd been looking forward to for a year. But I tried to be really solid on what was being asked of me. Being asked of me by me. Where was my soul pulling me? What did I feel I truly wanted to do versus what I thought I should do? In essence, where was the flow taking me? I sat with that before buying a plane ticket but in the end, the answer truly was to go home. So I went. I had no idea why my great nomadic experience was being cut short, why I was feeling the call to go home instead of continue on. But I trusted it.
I figured once I got home it would make more sense. It would "feel" right. Or maybe I was just going to recoup for a few days and then head out in a different direction. I felt edgy the first few days back. Like "what am I doing here? Why did I have to come home?" And then BOOM. I'd been house hunting for years without finding the right place, and then all of the sudden the perfect house shows up, two days after I return home. In our crazy competitive market, I was available to schedule a viewing and put in an offer right away. Less than twenty four hours after seeing it, I was under contract.
So yeah, I could have hijacked the flow that was guiding me home and let my mind convince me it was ridiculous to go home so soon (it tried) but then I would not have found my dream house. Our market is nuts and I truly don't believe I would have had a chance at this house had I waited another month. In another fun twist of fate, I just told my landlord that I was under contract and would be moving and she told me the timing couldn't be more perfect. She was going to email me and give me six months notice because she wants to put the house on the vacation rental market. Gotta love the flow.
So what's all this rambling about? Basically this--we are taught in our self-help/spiritual circles that trusting the flow of life is easy, effortless, and full of grace. It's not. At least not at first while we learn to move from head dominated to heart centered. We don't have to go with the flow gracefully or elegantly, we just need to go with it. Those inner promptings, those nudges, those gut feelings--they're subtle. The 'what-if's' of the mind are loud; they shout and get all our attention. And they usually scare us into ignoring the subtle flow of energy nudging us towards our greatest good. Had I listened to the 'shoulds' and 'what if's' instead of the subtle call of my inner self, I wouldn't be sitting here today in my dream house; I wouldn't have such awesome memories of an amazing, albeit short, summer adventure. And now, it's far easier for me to let go and trust the process.
Happy flowing, y'all.
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