The Story of the Cat Dress
This isn't really a story about a dress, but first let me tell you about the dress. The dress was a catalyst for awareness of a long running pattern of self doubt and habitual joy squashing, not living in the moment, and a dependency on external validation. All of that from a dress. I just wanted to buy a dress for a wedding. I wandered into a funky vintage shop and almost immediately I spotted this dress with cats on it! (I love cats!!) Looking at it made me happy. (Joy!) I HAD to try it on. (Excitement!) I loved how it looked and I loved how I felt in it. (Exuberance!) The fact that it had cheeky little Siamese cats on it made it that much better. In that dressing room, my eyes lit up and I was smiling. (I love this dress! I can't wait to wear this dress!)
By the time I got home, my joy gave way to concern. (Doubt!) Should I wear this? (Fear!) What will people think? How will I 'look'? (Insecurity!) The other dress I had picked out for the family wedding is elegant and classy. I recognized this part of myself that wanted to wear that classy dress to conform to what others will like and consider 'proper'. I immediately began to feel silly about my beloved cat dress. (Shame!) I emotionally connected to the childhood feelings of being laughed at for not having the 'right' style. In a family that was fashion conscious, I was not. It never mattered to me. This lack of concern for style often resulted in chiding and fun-poking. The chiders and pokers were not trying to be mean, it was innocent enough, and all the same I processed it in a way that left me with the feeling of being laughed at and ashamed of being 'me'. So flash forward and here I am at 38 years fretting about a dress that makes me so happy because I don't want that feeling of being laughed at, not fitting in, shame. So what now? Do I take it back? Do I wear it and feel silly and uncomfortable? The dress is 'so me', but I long ago took the input of others and translated that into the belief that expressing 'me' is not okay. 'Me' equates to 'dorky' or 'silly'.
But as I said, this isn't really about a dress. The dress situation made me very aware of how this pattern of seeking external validation plays out in so many parts of our lives. It also made me aware of how quickly we can squash down our joy. Happiness, I'm discovering, is the ability to do what we want, what makes our face break out into a brilliant smile, what gives us that feeling of joy, freedom, and personal expression without any concern or regard for how it's received/accepted/judged/approved by others. Life is short and it stinks to spend it stifling ourselves.
Let's go back to the dress metaphor. When I first saw it I lit up. (Joy!) When I tried it on I loved how I felt. (Joy!) But immediately what came next was doubt and insecurity. (Joy Squashing!) How often do we shift from an initial sense of joy and excitement about something into all the reasons why we shouldn't do it? How many roads and adventures have we not explored because we moved from that initial sense of joy and inspiration to all of the fear-based 'what-if's'? How fully and authentically are we truly living? How often are we giving our power away...our joy away?
We say we want to be more connected. To feel happier. And yet, when inspiration flows through us, when Life flows through us, we shut it down. We don't let that energy run through us. We stop it in it's tracks with doubts, fears, and insecurities. And for what? Because someone might think we are foolish? We may get laughed at? Judged? Criticized? So what. SO WHAT? None of that even has anything to do with us. The judgments and opinions of others are based on their baggage and their internal conflicts. When a person is truly living from a space of 'live and let live', with love in their hearts, they are not judging others for doing things differently.
Picture this: a park on a beautiful sunny Saturday. There is a street musician playing upbeat catchy rhythms. A man in his forties, with a brilliant smile on his face stops and begins to dance. The music moves him, he is happy. He is not dancing in a way that society would term 'well'. Rather, he is dancing in an 'uncoordinated', off the beat, herky-jerky, making up his own moves, I-AM-FEELING-THIS-MUSIC-AND-I-LOVE-IT kind of way. He is allowing life to flow through him and bring him joy, without letting insecurity or fear of judgment stop him. How often do we do that? More often, we sit back and do one of two things: We laugh at him. We snicker and say to our friend, 'hey look at that guy'. Or we feel the urge to move too but don't let ourselves because we would feel silly or stupid. And then feel a little sad and regretful that we are holding ourself back. How often are we stopping energy from moving through us because it doesn't fit in the box or because we are afraid of what people will think? How many times have we not allowed ourselves to dance, sing, explode with laughter, squeal with delight, to really FULL ON feel and express ourselves.
Remember as a kid when you wanted to wear your princess or power hero outfit out in public? You see kids doing this all the time and nobody cares. It's their personal expression and it makes them happy. Why is it that as adults we don't give ourselves or each other this same freedom? (This is another metaphor, I'm not saying we should all wear super hero outfits to work.) I don't see why we have to stifle so much of our joy and personal expression. Here's the thing: LIFE IS SHORT. When we get to the end are we going to be happy that we did things as they were expected of us or that we gained the approval of others? Are we going to look back and say, "Thank God I held myself back. Thank heavens I didn't let myself dance wildly when the mood struck. Thank God I stayed in the box so I didn't appear silly or foolish." Or are we going to be regretful that we didn't just embrace who we are and express ourselves authentically?
I'm going to offer an experiment. The next time you feel moved to do something and yet notice you are stopping or doubting yourself because you fear looking stupid or being judged, try to override the insecurities and embrace the impulse. That impulse is inspiration moving through you--it is pointing you to joy. Maybe it's nothing more than letting yourself jump up and down when you feel excited. Maybe it's finally dying your hair pink. Maybe it's wearing that crazy outfit that you secretly love but don't think you can 'pull off'. Maybe it's something bigger, like traveling, trying a new job, moving to a new town/state/country. Whatever it is, see if you can follow that impulse of joy and freedom and personal expression all the way through without thwarting the process with 'what-if's? and fears of judgment. Follow the joy instead of squashing the joy. What lights you up? Why aren't you doing it?
I bought that dress 2 days ago and since then, since seeing the patterns of not fully expressing myself for fear of judgment, I have moved into what feels like more full and joyous and authentic living. I'm not being triggered by the same fears and insecurities that dictated my feelings before. I'm more confident and I'm also not judging others. In allowing myself to be fully ME, I'm also allowing others to be fully THEM. Nobody knows the purpose of another's path so let's live and let live and allow ourselves to be silly and happy and giddy while doing it.
In Love,
~heather
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