How Are You Showing Up?

After a long and very uncomfortable stint with “writer’s block”, it feels sooooo good to be putting words on paper again. Although it feels a bit stumbling and bumbling, I’m still happy to be writing something. It was time for me to grab a pen and just show up. We are familiar with the philosophy of ‘just showing up for life’ instead of retreating into our fears. We've seen the magnets, bookmarks, inspirational posters, etc. that state, "90% of Success is Just Showing Up". Showing up might be half the battle (or even 90% as the slogan goes), but what's the other half? I believe it's how we show up. While showing up is indeed important, I've come to realize that there is more to it. Today someone introduced me to a different facet of this concept of showing up for life. I was reading a Facebook post by Liz Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love), in which she was recounting her frightening experience from the previous night of singing karaoke in a trendy New York bar. She almost chickened out, but decided she needed to do it because she is always telling other people to be brave and walk through their fears. So she decided to show up. But here was the new part (for me at least)---she commented on HOW she was going to show up. Was she going to go up on the stage and be meek, timid and apologetic for her inability to carry a tune? Or was she going to give it the best she’s got, fearlessly and unapologetically? That 'how' part was all of one sentence, but that was the part of her story that really struck a chord with me. I’m all about the ‘showing up’ part. I’ve been working on this for years now—facing my fears and jumping right into things that push me outside of my comfort zone. This has given me some amazing and wonderful experiences, from blindly walking away from a steady career to create a more fulfilling life for myself (without quite knowing how I was going to do that) to facing performance anxiety by joining a dance troupe and dancing burlesque (on a stage in front of people—yikes!!). I allowed myself to feel a smidge of pride over these things, simply because I did them instead of letting my fears hold me back. But after reading Liz’s post I realized that the showing up part is just half of the battle, and probably not even the most difficult part. It’s one thing to step outside of the comfort zone, but how fulfilling is it really when we take all of our fears and insecurities with us? Wouldn’t it be far better if we left that baggage behind us in the comfort zone? I realized I was indeed venturing out of my zone but I was keeping my fears and insecurities tightly strapped to my back like a faulty parachute. A good parachute will open and allow you to enjoy the ride. That faulty parachute, however, will taint the entire experience with fear and impending doom. Liz’s one little sentence about how she would show up for her karaoke song made me realize that it’s not just about showing up for life, but it’s SO important to put attention and intention into HOW we are showing up. In everything. 

My familiar habit is to go into unfamiliar and intimidating experiences apologetically and meekly. I already assume that I’m not good enough or will most likely do something supremely dorky. If, for example, I were about to face my fears of singing karaoke on stage in front of a bunch of strangers, I would definitely be the girl who would preface my singing with sincerest apologizes for the impending torture I was about to inflict on all of these poor innocent souls. But really, if they wanted to hear good music and good singing, they wouldn’t be sitting in a karaoke bar would they? They’d be at the opera or a concert where they could be crooned to by professionals. Karaoke is meant to be silly and fun. But I probably wouldn’t let that ease my fears—I’d apologize my ass off anyway before croaking out a single lyric. This idea of how we show up for things made me reflect and realize that all of those times I ventured out of my zone weren’t terribly fun or enjoyable for me because I was scared shitless in doing it. Yeah, I went out there, but I let all of my insecurities come with me. Consequently, I let my insecurities prevent me from actually enjoying the fact that I was out there doing something different. So how is that really any different than being in our comfort zone? The same stuff that holds us back is still there.

I loved being a part of a dance troupe because I loved learning the choreography, I loved the feeling of freedom I got from dancing, and I loved the camaraderie with the other members. But I was a hot mess during performances. The only thing I showed up with was a fear of looking stupid. The other women let themselves go and have fun, knowing they had rehearsed their butts off and this was about just letting it shine. I, however, only showed up with a fear of being laughed at and pitied. These fears tainted every performance for me so that I never had any fun, but instead I suffered through panic attacks, high anxiety, and an inability to connect with my fellow troupe members because they were letting themselves have fun while I was drowning in fear. Yeah, I was showing up (and thought that was all there was to it), but I wasn’t showing up very courageously or in a way that allowed me to actually embrace the experience in full. 

So I think we need to ask ourselves how will we show up for things--either new experiences or familiar ones. Meek? Or brave and full of love—for ourselves and everything we have to offer? Who cares what people think? The most important thing is what we think of ourselves. So yeah, stepping outside of our comfort zones is cool. But what’s ultimately cooler is stepping out fearlessly—leaving the insecurities behind. Maybe there’s some butterflies in the stomach, and maybe it’s a little (or a lot) scary, but we don’t have to apologize for that. And we certainly don’t have to apologize for who we are.  “Fearlessly” doesn’t mean we don’t feel afraid, it means we are going to dive in fully and give it our best go, no apologies necessary. Yes, we might be nervous, or even downright scared. But we're not going to feel small. We aren't going to let those insecurities that make us feel small come with us. I chose the picture of the girl jumping off of the diving board because of the look on her face. I like to think this is her very first time on the high dive, which can be an intimidating experience for sure. But her face! She has the most sincere look of, "I'm ready!" There is not fear, there is not meekness, there is not self-doubt, there is not 'what will people think if I do a flailing, ridiculous belly flop'. There is absolute bravery and enthusiasm and 'OH YEAH I GOT THIS'!

So go get it. In everything you do, everyday. I know I'm going to try. Here's to showing up BIG, and BRAVE, and RADIANT.

Cheers,

~heather 

www.heatherwallace.net 
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