Boundaries Vs. Walls

We all need healthy boundaries. No doubt about it. And learning how to create healthy boundaries in and of itself can be challenging. We have been raised in a society that teaches us to be people pleasers. People pleasing and boundaries don’t often go hand in hand. But how do we know when we are setting healthy boundaries instead of putting up walls? There can be a fine line it seems, right?

I’ve recently been examining some scenarios in my own life where I see a tendency to “put up the walls”, rather than remaining open, yet with a firm understanding of where my boundaries are (in case I need to reinforce them). 

In looking at this distinction between walls and boundaries, I felt like I needed some help. So I checked in with ‘the other side’ to see what my teachers had to say. My guides promptly offered a definition for each term. They are as follows:

Boundaries: Personally established and defined parameters regarding how one wishes to be treated and how one wishes to interact with his/her environment, both socially and physically.

Walls: Barriers created out of fears and a lack of trust. Typically impermeable in nature, they tend to be restrictive and thereby cause the person to have a restrictive experience of life.

My guides went on to say:

“Walls are a defense mechanism and people create them as a way to feel safe. The issue is these walls are often established even when there is no actual threat to the person’s safety or well-being. One who isolates his or herself from social relationships, both platonic and romantic, imprisons their self behind walls for fear of being hurt. While it is true that one may experience sadness or suffering through a relationship, this is not cause to put a wall around oneself and refuse to have meaningful relationships at all. Building walls to keep life out is not healthy or conducive to living a rich and full life.

Boundaries on the other hand, allow one to have a rich and full experience of life without being overtaxed. Boundaries help one to establish what is important in his or her world and create the parameters based upon those needs as a way of safely, yet openly navigating life. Boundaries differ from walls in that they allow experience in. One can have very clear and strong boundaries and yet still have a full experience of life and explore close and meaningful relationships with others and with the self. So how to tell the difference? How to recognize when you are creating boundaries in your life or when you are putting up the walls? First, you have to ask yourself if what you are doing is fear based. Are you holding someone at arm’s length because your fears and/or emotional baggage are being triggered? Or are you holding them at arm’s length because if you were not to do so, they would be a potential drain to your energy and well-being? The thing that is tricky is that the rational mind can create walls but in turn justify them and term them as boundaries. It takes some serious introspection to determine if your boundaries are truly boundaries, or if they are walls that you have placed around yourself for emotional protection.

Second, check in with your intuition. Is there an open and airy feeling in your heart center or does your heart center feel restricted and closed, as if there is a weight in your heart center? When examining a particular scenario and checking to see if your walls are up or if you simply have healthy boundaries in place, this checking in with the heart center can be a good form of guidance. When you have walls up, you may experience a heavy feeling in the heart center in regard to that particular person or scenario. If you are open, yet have healthy boundaries in place, your heart center will in turn feel open when you think of this person or scenario. Your intuitive feelings here will let you know.”

Thank you guides! Well said, I believe. I especially relate to the point about putting up walls but then justifying that and rationalizing to ourselves that we are merely establishing healthy boundaries. I have caught myself doing this. It can often be easier to run away from someone or put up the emotional walls with someone than face authentic conversation with that person. Sometimes authentic conversation means letting one know where your boundaries are and that you feel they are being crossed. Again, as people pleasers, this can make us very uncomfortable. Walls might seem like a nice option! But if building walls around oneself gets out of hand, we rob ourselves of an authentic and joyful life experience. We find ourselves lacking the myriad of benefits that come from meaningful relationships. Authentic conversation can also include telling others how we feel about them, whether it be a full profession of love, or simply letting one know that we care about them. This too can be uncomfortable. We have been taught that being vulnerable is dangerous and scary. Hence the walls. And to this, again I must say that authentic conversation, as frightening as it might be, is the only way to live fully in this life. 

I know you know all of this. I have no doubt that you know the difference between establishing healthy boundaries and putting up walls. What I want to draw attention to is the subtle art of knowing the difference between the two.  Because the rational mind is an excellent justifier, it will often lead us to believing we merely have healthy boundaries in place when in reality we are cutting our self off from some aspect of life experience. So, as I have been examining this lately in my own life, I thought I’d throw it out there for you as well for inspection.

May you be blessed with a wrecking ball of light for those walls around the heart, and may that light create your boundaries in a positive and loving way.

In Love & Light,

~Heather 

*Use of photo from Google Images