Self-Validation: Where's It Comin' From?

It is a beautiful day here in Charlotte, NC where I am house and dog sitting for friends. I am enjoying some reflective time and thinking about a birthday party I attended last night at a swanky restaurant. We had a fabulous good time and I enjoyed myself very much. I couldn't help noticing that this particular restaurant, and it's surrounding bars and restaurants, seemed to be a place for those who wish to be "seen". As I gazed around at the $500 haircuts, women trying their very best to move with grace and elegance in dangerously high stilettos that is the current fashion, and all the high end designer fashion, I began to think about where our sense of validation comes from. It made me wonder how many people were presenting themselves in a way that was a true expression of their authentic self and how many were trying to convey an image they thought others would see as desirable. Don't get me wrong--I am in no way judging or criticizing anyone; in fact it's fun to get dressed up for a night on the town! But what are our motivations when we're thinking about what to put on? Do we gussy ourselves up in a way that makes our heart sing, or do we gussy ourselves up in a way that has been defined by current fashion so we can uphold an image that we think will get others to view us approvingly? How much of our sense of worth and validation is tied up in this notion of how we appear to others? Please don't misunderstand, I am not sitting on a high horse looking down my nose at others who get their sense of worth based on external validation. I have in fact spent most of my life determining my own self-worth based on how others viewed me. This is somewhat how we are socialized, is it not? How many times in your life have you heard, "what will people think?". I think the real question is, "Why does it matter so much to us what people think?"

So where exactly does our self-validation come from? Outside or inside? How does self-value based on extrinsic validation motivate our behaviors? Do we hide parts of ourselves to get approval and acceptance from others? Do we boast parts of ourselves that are not authentic? What's so scary about being wholly and completely ourselves? Fear of judgment or of looking foolish? What's the worst that can happen--someone might think we're a dork? If they do, does that mean that we really are? We don't need to define ourselves based upon outside opinions and judgments. If that is what our personal value system is dependent upon we will always be on shaky ground. We will always be ever vigilant of how we need to appear in any given situation in order to obtain 'favorable reviews' and to avoid tarnishing the image we want others to have of us. But if our feelings of value and self-worth are not dependent upon external opinions and judgments we can stand on a solid foundation of self-love and simply relax into who we are without expending so much energy trying to ensure we are being someone who will be liked. Whether others like us or not is really none of our business. To fully live in our own skin, unabashedly and unashamed of who we are, we must remove from our mind this equation: If others do not like me = I am not likable. It's hogwash!

Some people may have a false sense of self-worth because they are very well liked in their circles of friends. For these individuals to determine if their sense of self is authentically grounded in an intrinsic value system and not dependent on others, they need to imagine what life would be like if everyone did not like them and admire them. Would they still feel good about themselves? Or would they like themselves less if they weren't so 'popular'? These are just ways of examining where our worth is coming from.

A funny thing happens when we let go of a need for external validation and simply allow ourselves to be ourselves--this beautiful essence of who we are at a deeper level, a divine level, begins to shine through. And in an ironic twist, when we stop caring whether others like us or approve of us and just express ourselves naturally, we become incredibly attractive to others. People are drawn to authenticity. People admire those who can simply be themselves without pretense or worry about what others think. One who lives authentically exudes a courageous and humble and yet confident aura of self-love and self-acceptance that others are drawn to because face it, that's what we're all after. We WANT to be that kind of person who can be 100% themselves and comfortable in their own skin in any and all situations, without care or concern about what others think. When we see this in action, we take note.

I gotta tell ya, after living most of my life on this external validation system, shifting to a system of intrinsic validation, where my sense of self-worth comes from within, has been the most liberating and exhilarating shift imaginable. There are no words to describe the bliss that follows a shift like that. That's not to say I don't sometimes get caught up in how others perceive me. Sometimes I still do. But with a strong foundation of self-worth and self-love that comes from within, it's much easier to acknowledge and witness those moments without getting too carried away with it and then shift back into a loving space of balance. I now see when it comes up for me but I don't give it merit. I no longer give truth to that system. And ultimately this is how we all decide which operating system drives us--by defining what is true for us. Do you give truth to the notion that you are only lovable/likable if others find you lovable/likable? Or do you give truth to the fact that you are lovable because you are an amazing and beautiful expression of the divine?

We are all worthy and lovable regardless of what others think about that. That is truth. But we choose whether to live in that truth or to believe something else like how others define us is an appropriate way to define ourselves. Your call. :)

In Love & Light,

~your fellow traveler along the bumbling, stumbling, beautifully challenging and wondrous adventure called life. Make it fun!